What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
