i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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