Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
