I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
