put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
