my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
