Your face is a jimmy john
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
