My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
