Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
