Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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