so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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