Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
