so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
