I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
