I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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