Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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