Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
