'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
