Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
