My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
