Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
two words...techno handjob
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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