currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
