2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
