i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Man, jail baloney is awful.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
