I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
