its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
