I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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