Whatcha textin bout Willis?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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