I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I have fence marks all over my body
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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