I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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