wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I think your dad took our porno
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
