I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
