i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
