well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
