if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
