I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
