college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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