True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
