If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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