mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
