im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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