Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
