This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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