Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
