Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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