i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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