shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Randomize