grandma shit on top of the toilet
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
