allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I think I am morally bankrupt
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
