In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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