i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
